


my mind is like a deadly disease

by orphan_account



Series: hymns [6]
Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Abuse, IDK When or where this is set just roll with it, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-13
Updated: 2015-11-13
Packaged: 2018-05-01 09:10:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5200280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He hurt me a lot, Dipper. Sometimes I remember all of that really vividly. It's not a big deal, it's just something that happens."</p>
            </blockquote>





	my mind is like a deadly disease

"Great Uncle Ford?" Dipper asks,  _shakes._ "Are you okay?"

 

"Dipper, I'm -"

 

 

_Stanford lives a normal life in a hospital. He thinks that at some point he had a brother. But. Stanford is sick, so he probably never had a brother. He imagines this brother so his normalLife gets interesting, because maybe his brother would be looking and looking and looking and looking and looking and looking and looking for him in his absence. That would be nice, wouldn't it? Someone who loves. Stanford-in-this-normal-life is jealous of love. So he makes himself a brother with a marker and names him Stanley. Maybe Stanley can teach him --------- love. Family. Did Stanford have a family?_

_**"WAKE UP."** _

_**OH** Stanford has a brother, and he is not living a normal life inside of a hospital and he doesn't have a wifeorkidsor **anythingto** callhis own, and what he has instead is: Bill Cipher. **OH** Stanford doesn't have a brother. **OH** Stanford's brother is made of permanent marker, and the smudge-that-is-Stanley-the-mistake-the-unintelligent loves Stanford, but. It's too late, now, to feel. So Stanford has Bill Cipher._

_"Bill. What was that?"_

**_"THAT WAS YOU WITHOUT ME."_ **

_Stanford can only give him an oh._

_Stanford lives a boring life, in a world where he doesn't have Bill Cipher. It sounds nice, in a way. A wifeandkids. Though. He'll never have that with Bill._

**_"NO,"_ **

_Bill repeats._

_"Why were you telling me no? Why were you shutting me out? Stanford? Don't you love me? You told me you loved me. I love you. Why were you telling me no? Why would you do something like that? What's gotten into you, Stanford? Six-fingers. **Hey**."_

_"I'm_

_sorry,"_

_Stanford_

_says. He is                                                                                                                                          sorry. Sorry. Sorry._

_" **Ẉ̦H̝Y̰̬̗̱̠̠ W̖̜̼OU̮͈̯̤̬ͅͅL̩̺D̞ YOU EVER D̦ͅOU̖̘̭̼̞̼ͅB̗T ME?"**_

_"Sorry." Stanford's breaths begin to shake. "Sorry." He says it again, and louder: **s o r r y** . Doubting is bad, and Bill Cipher is Holy, and Stanford puts himself before everythingthatis holy and gets on his knees and says: I'm_

_yours._

_He thinks that it's like circles. They go in circles. Sometimes Bill is everything and then: he is venom._

 

_"Now then," Bill says. Like. Nothing even. HappenedmaybeStanfordmadeeverythingup. "Let's get to work." Like circles, maybe. Like that. Like how --_

 

Dipper is shaking him. "Please come back," he whispers. "Please, we have to figure out a way to stop Bill, remember?"

 

"I'm sorry," Stanford tells him. "I'm really sorry. This happens sometimes. I just -"

 

He stops being able to speak, and Dipper's  _Ford? Ford? What's happening, what's going on, are you okay areyouokay_ start to fade into silence.  _  
_

 

_Stanford Pines lives many different lives in many different illusions. "This is what your life would be like if you didn't have me," Bill says, and sometimes Stanford works for big companies and other times he does unspeakable things to make a living._

 

_In every life that he lives, he does not have a brother. Has a family, sometimes. Other times: he has himself and a bed underneath a bridge._

 

_"Isn't it boring, all these lives that you could have lived?"_

 

 _Bill shows him a universe where is digging up a grave. He's burying something. **OH**_ **_-_** _he's burying his brother._

 

_"Aren't you glad you chose me?"_

 

_He is being recognized in this one. It's only a f    l    a   s    h but Stanford is receiving an award ---- he has a name and fancy clothing and a name and a brother. The award is more important._

 

_"Aren't you glad I'm here to make your life more interesting? Aren't you -"_

 

"Come on," Dipper says. "We - we have to - we have to get you back to the Shack. Stan will know what to do."

 

"I'm fine," Stanford tells him. "Really, I'm fine, Dipper. I don't want Stanley to know about this."

 

"Know about what?" Dipper wipes away tears. "What's happening?"

 

Stanford shakes his head, "You wouldn't understand it."

 

"Can I at least  _try_ to understand?"

 

Stanford sighs. "Listen, Dipper, do you remember what I told you about my relationship with Bill Cipher?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

"I may have left out the exact nature of our relationship."

 

_"I love you," and it flows out after that: I love you I love you, Bill I loved you since the moment we met I love you I'm inlovewithyou and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm -_

 

_**"WHY ARE YOU SORRY?"** _

 

_"Because you could never love something like me."_

 

_" **HOW DO YOU KNOW?"**_

 

_"Because."_

 

_Bill laughs,_

 

**_"YOU'RE THE MOST INTELLIGENT PERSON I'VE EVER WORKED WITH, STANFORD FILBRICK PINES,_ **

**_BUT YOU'RE ACTING LIKE_ **

**_A COMPLETE IDIOT._ **

**_OF COURSE_ **

**_I_ **

**_Ļ̹̘̼O̖̜̰͖͢V̸̞̪E_ **

**_YOU._ **

**_IF I DIDN'T,_ **

**_DO YOU REALLY THINK I'D_ **

**_B͉͕̭̦͙͍͘O͎̦͎̥͓͟ͅT̪̣̯̯̠͠H͙̭̗̙̕E͚̤̠̫̜̝R̺̤̝_ **

**_WITH YOU?"_ **

 

 

 

Dipper stops him. "You - you two were in love?"

 

"I loved him," Stanford corrects. "He never loved me."

 

_"You can't stop me, but it'd be fun to watch you try? C u t e, e v e n."_

 

_It's nothing after that. His memories are blackanddark and he only feels pain. Pain in his head, like an incision. Pain like something sharp in his arm. Pain like something has been torn out of him, something vital, pain like something has been stolen from inside of his body._

 

_He wakes up, one day, and getsoutofbed and brushes his teeth and looks down at his stomach to find: blood and blood and blood and blood and the image of Bill, carved into his skin, like a reminder._

 

_He never felt the p a i n that the branding should have caused. He wakes up after months of black and dark and pain, and feels nothing._

 

_It's like a gift._

 

 

"He hurt me a lot, Dipper. Sometimes I remember all of that really vividly. It's not a big deal, it's just something that happens."

 

"Oh," Dipper says, weakly. "Okay. Wow, this is a lot of information to take in. Um... can we go back now?"

 

Stanford gives Dipper a soft smile. "Sure."

 

**Author's Note:**

> "I sat alone, in bed 'til the morning  
> I'm crying, "They're coming for me"  
> And I tried to hold these secrets inside me  
> My mind's like a deadly disease" - Control / Halsey. Which I think is a pretty good song that relates to this fic very well. You should really listen to it.
> 
> I posted a fic exactly like this one a few days ago but I didn't like it very much so I pulled it. Anyways, this fic is basically... my life story, told through fanfiction and the name Stanford Pines. I have PTSD so this is what it's like for me. Minus, y'know, the whole demon from a nightmare realm part, haha. Really, though, this is all based on my experiences, so Yeah.


End file.
